Posted by chrystibella on September 30, 2008
Update: I was perfectly pissed when I wrote this. I laugh when I look back on it. I’m not even angry at this person now and would most likely sing with her. I like her. I just needed to rant and that’s what I did. =)
There is a song… a duet that I have been singing with my best friend for years. Everybody loves it. They request it. Our voices blend in unison almost perfect pitch together.
You have asked me many times if I would sing it with you. Out of respect for my friend, I have explained that I only sing it with her. You understand and bow out graciously.
My friend, starts dating a fucktard loser and no longer comes around. I invite you to sing the song with me. The first time, it’s okay. We blend. Not like I do with her, but it’s okay.
Months pass. I get a request for the song. I invite you again to sing it with me when it is my turn to sing. I’ve waited 2 hours for my turn. I didn’t really want to do this song but it was asked of me and I oblige.
As we get ready, you turn to the KJ and ask for it to be brought down 3 keys. 3 KEYS! I gulp. WTF!!! I don’t sing that low and after all, this is MY turn and I invited YOU. Okay…. I’m going to try it. You take over and drown me out. We’re not blending. There is no harmonizing.
When it’s my verse, it’s so low. I’m singing deep. The beat is slooooow…. I see the looks on people’s faces. Something is not right. This is not my key.
Look what you did to my song.
Changing the key on a song when you are a “guest” is RUDE. You wasted my time and now I have to wait through another rotation to redeem myself.
Later I am asked by several people, “Why did she do that?” They were just as shocked as I was.
I have this terrible habit of being polite! I should have said, “NO! I don’t sing in that key.”
I don’t know why you had the nerve to do what you did. I do know this. I’ll never invite you to sing with me again.
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Posted by chrystibella on September 27, 2008
It seems lately I’m in this phase of filming people in my life. As if by having this little piece of them will satisfy some type of loneliness in my old age. Shit!!! I haven’t even turned 50 yet and I am thinking about getting old. What is wrong with me! Is that mid-life crisis creeping up on me?
My main focus seems to be my 18 year old, only child. My son. who just began his first year of college. It has been difficult for me to transition from his child-hood into his teens and now into adulthood. Now, that does not mean that I have interfered or held him back in any way. NO, in fact I think I have been rather supportive and open to encourage his growth. It’s on the inside that I am falling apart. Inside, ME. A place where nobody sees the depth of my fear and my pain of letting go and the feeling of loss that I am experiencing. Is this what they call the “Empty Nest” syndrome?
Now that it’s so easy to use my little “Flip” camera I am filming little snippets of my son doing everyday stuff. Sitting at his computer playing his games…. and simple stuff like that. I want him to be able to look back on himself years from now and see this person he is now. I also think it would be so neat for his kids to look back on this. We didn’t have the availability to capture ourselves on video when I was a kid. We didn’t have computers. So, I want to use this medium to save the memories.
I decided to add some music and play around with the short snippets that I have. I put one together and when I played it back for my son he said, “It’s like I’m dead.” OH CRAP! Did I do THAT? Shit! I think that the INSIDE ME is MOURNING the loss of my only child. OK. Time to get a grip. Better start using bouncy, up beat music on my tracks because he was right.
Yep, this mama’s got it baaaaad.
My little guy!
Good Times!
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Posted by chrystibella on September 24, 2008
Story of Stuff
I recently joined a group called Freecyle that allows people to recycle their stuff by giving it to someone who can use it. There are Freecycle groups all over the United States. You can find one near you by visiting http://freecycle.org Before you do that, you may want to watch the entertaining and informative video, Story of Stuff.
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Posted by chrystibella on September 23, 2008
I used to have it dialed in. I could go to the grocery store and get what was needed and stay in my budget. Almost down to the penny! I had this inner sense.
Now days, I still have the same budget but the prices on the items we need every week have sky rocketed to the point that when I go through the check out line, I’m holding my breath. Aware that I may need to put something back. Which to me is the ultimate embarrassment. But, just because the prices have increased does not mean that my pocket book has and there is only so much money to go around. So, we have had to cut back drastically on our spending. There is absolutely no dining out or going out to the movies.
My husband was laid off from the job he had been at for 6 years due to the economy and it took him almost 8 months to find another job which pays less and is almost an hour’s drive from where we live. We’re happy that he has a job, period. It pays much more than unemployment does.
I was a real estate agent for the last 15 years or so. I wasn’t a top producer but I managed to bring in enough business to buy us the extras we needed and to make life more fun. Over the last two years, business has not been good. When we had our real estate boom everybody and their brother rushed out to get a real estate license and it became increasingly difficult to compete. Not many people have been able to stay afloat in the current market as it is extremely expensive to pay for mls and NAR and other necessary expense to remain in business. If you’re not selling homes, it’s not worth it. So, I am out of a job and looking for something that offers a steady income. Me and thousands of others.
This is the worst economy that I have ever endured. Lucky for my family that I know how to cook. I can take basic staples and whip up a fabulous meal. I’m good at stretching the food budget. I always have been. But in this economy I am finding it more difficult. When I am used to buying cooking oil for $3.99 (with a buy one get one free sales special) at the store and now I have to pay $5.99 for only one, it takes a big bite out of what I have to spend on food. I’m wondering now if eating is a luxury I cannot afford.
I do tend to stock up on meat when it’s on sale. London broil is a good cut and can be cooked all kinds of ways. Chicken breasts are another favorite and go on sale often. I have not been buying fresh fruits or vegetables unless they are on sale. I think it’s time I start visiting the farmers market on the weekends. I hear you can get some great prices and the produce is much better.
As the weather starts to get chilly and we go into the winter months, hearty soups and comfort foods like chicken and dumplings, beef stew and beans and cornbread will fill our tummys.
I’ve started baking cakes from scratch. If I have flour, sugar, eggs, milk, oil, vanilla, and hershey’s cocoa, I can make a much better cake than I can by buying mixes. I have found that if I buy things like cookies or anything that is at hand, it is gone within a day or so. It’s better to have the staples and make something every now and then.
In place of a smoothy or starbucks I can make one at home using milk, crushed ice, vanilla, sugar and blend it in my blender. It satisfies the craving and can have coffee or other flavors added. Even fresh, frozen or canned fruit like peaches or strawberries makes a yummy shake. Whatever you’ve got.
In the winter I love to sip hot cocoa in the evening. I use regular hershey’s cocoa in milk. I like mine without sugar. I add a little bit of vanilla to a cup of milk and put it in the microwave then add the cocoa when it’s heated and put a handful of miniture marshmellows on top. This is better than any mix you can buy at the store. I like to zap it in the microwave after I add the marshmellows (about 10 seconds) then I stir them in and it’s sweet enough.
When I was a kid, we were very poor and my mom would make a lot of yummy foods from simple ingredients. She always said, if you’ve got your basic staples, you’re set. I’m glad I paid attention. If we wanted cookies, we made them. Candy? We made that too. I can make a mean fudge in a few minutes.
Here is a list of what I always have on hand. Notice, I don’t have a well stocked kitchen but I have some simple, basic things that I use all the time and make a variety of dishes, desserts and snacks.
Bread
Butter
Eggs
Milk
Potatos
Rice
Pasta
Tomatoes & Sauce
Meat
Dry Beans (Assorted)
I usually keep frozen Peas, Corn and Green Beans because they are inexpensive and close to fresh.
All Purpose Flour
Sugar
Brown Sugar
Confectioners Sugar
Hershey’s Cocoa
Miniture Marshmellows
Vanilla Extract (I prefer the pure extract but you can get the imitation cheap and it works okay)
Cereal (I only buy what’s on sale and has nutritional value, while I LOVE Lucky Charms, I rarely buy stuff like that. If I did, it would get eaten up as a snack. My favorites are frosted mini wheats and Kellogs (not Post) Raison Bran.)
Oatmeal
Cream of Wheat
Malto Meal
Coffee (won’t live without it)
Broth (great for adding flavor to anything from soups to sauces) I buy something called “Better Than Broth” It’s in a jar and is kept in the refrigerator after opening. I buy chicken and beef flavor.
Cornmeal
Cornstarch
Baking Powder
Baking Soda
Yeast
Garlic (always fresh)
Onions
Carrots
Celery
Peanut Butter
Strawberry Jam
Tea
Tuna
A block of Cheddar Cheese
Tortillas
Canola or Vegetable Oil
Extra Light Olive Oil
White Vinegar
Wine Vinegar
Balsamic Vinegar
Head of Lettuce
Tomatoes (When they are not too expensive or when I grow them.)
Of course, I include herbs and spices as well as condiments. Other than that, I have a pretty simple set of staples that can yield a lot of delicious dishes.
You’ll not find Hot Pockets, Toaster Strudels or any quick, instant foods at my house. We hardly ever order take out or go out to dinner anymore. For us, it’s a treat to be able to fill up the gas tank to “full”. If I cook a big meal, we eat the left overs the next night or I use them to create something else.
Sometimes I feel like those folks you see in movies who are deserted somewhere sitting around remembering their favorite food. We’re not that bad off but I do think about some of my favorite restaurants and I can’t wait till I can afford to visit them again. I miss going out to dinner…. But most of all I miss being able to afford to eat at home.
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Posted by chrystibella on September 19, 2008
I want to own a home with lush green gardens. I want to grow my own vegetables (other than my patio tomatoes) and I want to celebrate the family and friends in my life.
I want a satisfying job, with great benefits that include paid time off for rest and relaxation, travel and to afford more than just the basic neccessities. I want to see and experience the beautiful things in this world.
Is that asking too much?
I built my dream board to help me manifest what I want. Seeing is believing after all.
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Posted by chrystibella on September 18, 2008
While I was writing my “About Me” page, words flowed and the story that followed was one of hurt and despair. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I felt the painful memories and what’s worse was that I branded myself based on that story. We all have something from our past that haunts us but really is that story of hurt something that needs to identify with who we are today?
Perhaps our stories have had a significant part in forming our reasons for reacting to certain stimuli in our environment, some situations can bring back the inner child in us who had no choice but to succumb to the will of others.
The thing is, today. I am free from those hurts. I no longer have the people in my life who caused the pain, yet in many ways the after effects still linger. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life. Sinking into a cesspool of self degridation and darkness. I’ve lashed out as well and hurt people as I traveled down my own shitty road. I’ve held on to the pain and it has become a familiar friend.
Letting go of something that has been a major part of me has not been an easy task. When I wrote my “about me” page I was disappointed when I read it. True there are things that are very painful and probably others would identify with me and understand yet, I do not wish to be remembered or thought of as a dark soul. I am not that person anymore. I’ve grown and moved on yet when asked to write “about me” that old story is what naturally came to mind.
How would you feel if you took a particular story that has been a part of you and let it go? What would it be like to say, “I don’t want that story anymore”? Susie nailed it perfectly in her article, What is your story?
To give myself a little credit for not compelety sinking and licking old wounds, I will offer an excerpt from what I wrote on my “About me” page. You won’t see it there because I deleted it. There is only one part of it I saved, here it is:
Once I read a card that said, “Wherever you go, there you are.” I will never forget those words and the impact that they had on my life at that very moment. It really made me think.
I was going to have to live with myself and it didn’t matter with whom or where. I was the only one who had any power over my destiny. It all came from within me. I didn’t need to be approved of by anybody. The courage and strength to raise my head high and know that I do deserve a good life, I do deserve to be treated well, I do deserve to be here. That is something that I can give myself. Nobody can give that to me. And they can only take it away if I give them the power. That power, my life, my soul… belongs to me.
Perhaps when I wrote that I WAS changing my story. I like to think I did. =)
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Posted by chrystibella on September 17, 2008
Gazing up at the clouds drifting by the moon last night was mesmirizing. If I could have lain on a bed of smooth grass I might have watched it for hours. Instead, standing on my patio had to do. But still, it was soothing and relaxing. The moon is my must have every evening. I feel its energy radiating deep within my being. Its beauty and light a wonderlust of magic that feeds my inner Moon Goddess.
Moonlight
As a pale phantom with a lamp
Ascends some ruined haunted stair,
So glides the moon along the damp
Mysterious chambers of the air.
Now hidden in cloud, and now revealed,
As if this phantom, full of pain,
Were by the crumbling walls concealed,
And at the windows seen again.
Until at last, serene and proud
In all the splendor of her light,
She walks the terraces of cloud.
Supreme as Empress of the Night.
I look, but recognize no more
Objects familiar to my view;
The very pathway to my door
Is an enchanted avenue.
All things are changed. One mass of shade,
The elm-trees drop their curtains down;
By palace, park, and colonmade
I walk as in a foreign town.
The very ground beneath my feet
Is clothed with deviner air;
White marble paves the silent street
And glimmers in the empty square.
Illusion! Underneath there lies
The comman life of everyday;
Only the spirit glorifies
With its own tints the sober grey.
In vain we look, in vain uplift
Our eyes to heaven, if we are blind;
We see but what we have the gift
Of seeing; what we bring we find.
By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Posted by chrystibella on September 11, 2008
It’s hard to believe it’s been 7 years since 9/11 happened.
That morning I was woken up by my alarm clock with the radio. The first plane had just crashed and the shock was in the voices of the brodcasters. I ran into the living room and turned on the television just in time to watch “live” the second plane crash into the building. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Not in our country! Not in the USA! NO!!!!!!!
I called my mom and woke her up. She turned on her TV and we sat there watching, listening, crying. I remember when the buildings began to collapse and people started running and the cameraman who had been filming left his camera on the ground and ran.
It was a day when our nation came together, united as we had not been in many ages.
I went to work, in shock. I think we were all in shock for a long time. I still find it very difficult to see photos from that day. I can’t even imagine what it was like for the people at the WTC who lost their lives. What should have been a typical day at the office became a living nightmare in a split second.
I think many of us felt a sense of guilt for feeling the loss when we had not really been affected the way those in NYC were but it was really something that had an effect on the nation as a whole. It has been a huge burden on our hearts and the fallout for the families who lost loved ones was so very painful.
7 years….. it seems like it was last year, not 7 years ago.
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Filed Under: Life
