Changing My Story

Posted by chrystibella on September 18, 2008

While I was writing my “About Me” page, words flowed and the story that followed was one of hurt and despair. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I felt the painful memories and what’s worse was that I branded myself based on that story. We all have something from our past that haunts us but really is that story of hurt something that needs to identify with who we are today?

Perhaps our stories have had a significant part in forming our reasons for reacting to certain stimuli in our environment, some situations can bring back the inner child in us who had no choice but to succumb to the will of others.

The thing is, today. I am free from those hurts. I no longer have the people in my life who caused the pain, yet in many ways the after effects still linger. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life. Sinking into a cesspool of self degridation and darkness. I’ve lashed out as well and hurt people as I traveled down my own shitty road. I’ve held on to the pain and it has become a familiar friend.

Letting go of something that has been a major part of me has not been an easy task. When I wrote my “about me” page I was disappointed when I read it. True there are things that are very painful and probably others would identify with me and understand yet, I do not wish to be remembered or thought of as a dark soul. I am not that person anymore. I’ve grown and moved on yet when asked to write “about me” that old story is what naturally came to mind.

How would you feel if you took a particular story that has been a part of you and let it go? What would it be like to say, “I don’t want that story anymore”? Susie nailed it perfectly in her article, What is your story?

To give myself a little credit for not compelety sinking and licking old wounds, I will offer an excerpt from what I wrote on my “About me” page. You won’t see it there because I deleted it. There is only one part of it I saved, here it is:

Once I read a card that said, “Wherever you go, there you are.” I will never forget those words and the impact that they had on my life at that very moment. It really made me think.

I was going to have to live with myself and it didn’t matter with whom or where. I was the only one who had any power over my destiny. It all came from within me. I didn’t need to be approved of by anybody. The courage and strength to raise my head high and know that I do deserve a good life, I do deserve to be treated well, I do deserve to be here. That is something that I can give myself. Nobody can give that to me. And they can only take it away if I give them the power. That power, my life, my soul… belongs to me.

Perhaps when I wrote that I WAS changing my story. I like to think I did. =)