I hope that I have a good soul

Posted by chrystibella on February 16, 2009

I used to feel that I was worthless and unlovable if I was not a perfect size 9.  I’m not one who easily can maintain a thin frame.  I’m meant to be a healthy gal.  =)  As I have become in my 40’s my weight has gone up and I do tend to use food as comfort when I am depressed.  It makes me feel better.  I’ve accepted myself on one hand that I am big yet on the other hand there is that part of me who despises and can’t stand to look at photographs because I can’t stand to see this fat lady.

In order to be happy I have had to let go of the illusion of what true beauty is.

An example that comes to mind for me is the show, Real Housewives of Orange County.  There is this one dumb blond named Gretchen who, by her bleached blond hair and her great spray tanned body would seem to be the most beautiful one of the group but in my point of view after getting to see the true character of the women on the show, Jeana, is by far the most beautiful of all the women.  Jeana struggles with her weight and she is not thin.  But she really has a good soul.  I would expect hell to open up and swallow Gretchen, that’s how shallow and fake and empty she is.  Yet Jeana is someone who is warm and loving even when people aren’t that way to her.

I hope that I have a good soul.

There was a time in my life when I sought to be perfect on the outside.  When I couldn’t control my life, when I couldn’t control my eating, I could control my weight.  I felt more in control when I could limit the food I ate.  Even better and more in control when I could keep my food intake to 5 fingers.  If I could always by the end of the day, count on one hand what I had eaten that day, it was a good day.  I started each day on the scale and the measuring tape was in my make-up drawer used daily to measure my waist.  I never went beyond 28 inches in the waist or 38 inches in the hips.  I could tell you my thigh and calf measurements back then as well.  I wrote them down everyday.  I vowed that I would NEVER be fat again…

When I started to crave food and realized that food was winning.  I ate even more.  I started to buy two bags of cookies and hid one so that when I ate the entire bag I could replace it with the one I finished, and I would eat some of that too so that it didn’t look like a new bag.  I did this with just about anything.  Chips, ice cream… I would stop and eat at Dairy Queen sometimes on the way home and eat the dinner that was cooked when I got home.  Always these things were finished off when I would go take a hot bath.  That was my way of getting off to myself to throw up.  It was always better to do it immediately so that is wasn’t as gross.  GROSS?????  My God, it was always gross.  I was just kidding myself.  I remember my son knocking on the door asking, “Mommy are you okay?” All while I was shoving a spoon down my throat.  I look back on that and I cringe.  Was that me?

I did end up going into the hospital and my eating disorders were addressed.  Even there it felt good to have to have someone go with me through the food line and make sure that I didn’t disappear after eating meals.  I don’t know why it felt good but it did.  Kind of like something I didn’t think was real was in fact very real.  Does that make sense?

So today I am fat but I am not binging and/or purging.  I accept me for me and that’s all I can do. I still hate to see pictures of myself though.  I hope that those who know me can find some beauty in me on the inside as I will probably never be that vavavoom perfect size 9 unless I really starve and abuse myself to get there.

I was inspired to write about my experience with bulimia and anorexia because of a video that I saw today.  I will post it below.  It was pretty raw and sad.  I’m lucky.  I don’t know if people in my life know that I ever struggled or how crazy it got.

Here is the music video by Emily Rose, it’s titled, Full.

Special thank you goes out to Shelby’s mom, Kathy, for making this video possible.

NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association)
help line: 1 800 931 2237
nationaleatingdisorders.org

ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders)
help line (Mon – Fri 9 – 5) 847 831 3438
anad.org

Emily would love to be personally contacted to discus eating disorders, music, and life.

Myspace.com/Rose4emily
EmilyRoseMusic.com

video shot, edited, and directed by Greg DeLiso