It is a habit for me to tear myself apart. The wounds of life can be harsh and I am easily obliged to become caught up in a wave of
self loathing.
But when I look at you, listen to you speak, your wounds are sometimes as visible as my own.
Yet I see more. Beyond the surface. I see what you don’t see.
I admire qualities in you that you probably don’t realize you have.
Your beauty is so apparent.
I overlook or don’t even notice the faults you hold within your being and in that regard it makes me feel safe.
You don’t have to be perfect.
I accept you when you are in good moods or bad, goofy or sad. I rejoice in your happiness and support you when you are down. When I see your smile and feel you radiating positive energy towards me I tend to focus less on my own short comings and instead accept me for who I am (through your eyes instead of my own), regarding the joy you leave upon my soul with your friendship, your love and the foundation that you bring to my life with the greatest appreciation I have ever experienced.
Your awareness helps me to love myself because you love me, and for knowing you, I am a better person.
I’ve always felt that a person’s character was their best asset.
My mom used to tell me when I was growing up that you may be able to fool people but God sees everything. That worked. I behaved. LOL!!! Not because I’m such a good person but because I knew my karma would be affected. Things we do can often come back to bite us.
Seriously, though. Character traits have more value for me than a person’s accomplishments. I’ve known some bad people in high places. What a person has doesn’t mean much. It is who the person is, inside that matters.
Having power, wealth, position is a true test of character. Having unlimited choices and opportunities to do what one wishes. To have power, control, yet still holding oneself accountable for consequences is a true test of what a person’s soul is made of.
That’s why I like what my mom used to say about how no matter what you do, God knows the truth. It doesn’t matter if a person is religious or what higher power they lean towards. We know the truth within ourselves and we live with ourselves and that knowledge shapes who we are as human beings. Yes, we can fool people around us but we cannot fool ourselves if we are not truthful and honest, we know it. This is why it has always been my opinion that a good character is stronger than anything.
This is just something I was thinking about today.
This video struck home for me. I don’t have a lot of things that I hang on to. I tend to get my feathers ruffled from time to time but I easily forgive and forget and move forward.
I do, however, struggle with certain things that have happened in my life that I had to waste a lot of time getting over and growing beyond the hurt and damage. In those times I have to be in a constant forgiving sort of mode. I forgive to release myself from the bondage and the baggage that holds me from the things or thoughts that truly make me happy. It is so true that it takes less muscles in the face to smile than to frown. So in that way, it also takes more energy to hold on to hurt and pain than it does to release it and make room for the positive things that life has to offer. Though, still sometimes I can be guilty of sitting in my own pity pool. I have to make the effort to forgive in order to move forward but in some cases the forgiveness is a constant process. It doesn’t mean we forget what happened but we refuse to hurt over it any longer and by letting go of the blame it makes it easier to let go of the pain.
Sometimes I feel way too sensitive. I know, believe me….. I know.
But lately I have felt invisible.
There are times when I feel as though my smile, or my kindness is taken for granted.
I don’t have a sign that says walk on me posted on my forehead either. Something has been bugging the s**t out of me.
I love my friends and I am grateful to have them in my life… but there are times… when I would like to talk.
I have things to say too. I want to participate, not just sit there smiling and nodding. I am more than a listener. I am patient while they go into detail about kids, husbands, boyfriends, jobs, school, illnesses, etc. Long drawn out details. I hate it when I have to jump in quickly to get a word in edgewise and then get interrupted just because I paused to take a breath of air! This does not happen all the time but lately I have noticed that it has happened on several occasions and with different people.
If I want to say something I have to talk fast and get straight to the point and do it as quickly as possible before they take back the conversation and I find myself nodding my head just sitting there being talked at. My neck gets stiff and I start to get a headache. Maybe it takes more effort to listen? Perhaps even more effort when you are not participating in two way speech. I’ve been looking towards my own self esteem issues trying to figure out what kind of signal I might be sending. Things have been tough in my life but not recently I’ve felt much better and moving into a positive direction. My self esteem should be fine. Not that I could discuss it. I don’t get a chance to talk, remember? LOL! Anyway. It’s not with all of my friends that this occurs. In most settings everything flows naturally, and I really enjoy the company. Laughter and talking are an ease and all participate equally.
When I am with a friend who goes on and on about themselves giving every mundane detail without any comment from me other than an “ooh or ah or really”; then I begin to consider that my feelings or thoughts don’t matter much to them. I’m warm and breathing after all. Should be good enough, huh? =) Then I think, why be friends with this person? I’m friends because I like them and other than monopolizing the conversation, they are pretty nice people.
I wonder if I matter at all to them. I probably do. Or maybe not?
Everybody matters, I think. Some folks just don’t notice what they are doing. I always try my best to be considerate; to include everyone and treat all as though they are worthwhile. I never have my back on anybody when we are in a group. If I have to move my chair or change my position I will always open up a space for them to join in so that nobody feels outside the group. I don’t like feeling excluded either, so I try really hard not to do that to anybody.
I really do enjoy listening to people tell funny stories and talk about their life. I do. It just feels much better when I also get to share and take part and be listened to. I know I can’t be the only one who has this problem at times. Do you ever feel invisible in a group or like someone is talking at you instead of with you? It’s like being a third wheel and I don’t like it one bit. I can’t really say that I would stop being friends with the offenders because they are not bad people, just a bit inconsiderate and I don’t know the proper way to tell them this. Why? Because I’m too damned sensitive and I don’t want to hurt their feelings so I’ll swallow the notion and stew in it. LOL!!!
It’s not easy being me.
I don’t know if any of my friends read my blog but if you are one of my friends and you think you might be one of the people who talks on and on. Don’t ask me if you are because I won’t tell you. But here’s an idea for everyone…. The next time you are visiting with friends be sure that you are not the only one doing the talking. =) Spend some time listening too. Everybody has a better time when they get to interact in the conversation.
I’ve been having an allergic reaction on my face for months. My face would get red blotches that felt like a sunburn, my eyes would get puffy and my face and neck would itch like crazy and burn when I scratched. Then my skin got dry and flaky. I never once attributed it to my make up because I was using mineral make up and that’s supposed to be the purest make up to use. It doesn’t even expire. I had been using the mineral make up for years with no problems so of course I didn’t even think of it.
I kept thinking I was having a food allergy. At first I thought perhaps it was from red wine because it happened after I had drank wine one night. So I cut out wine. Then I thought perhaps it was the tomato juice or the beer I would drink on Saturday nights because every Sunday morning I would wake up to the itching, puffy face. I was taking benadryl every day to ward off the allergy. By Tuesday my face would begin to stop itching but it would be dry and flaky all week. So much so that I didn’t wear make up at all during the week and only wore it on Saturday nights when we went out to the local VFW for karaoke.
The break outs occurred after an event, the event meant I was wearing makeup. This week I decided I was going to go with out make up all week and that I wouldn’t even wear it on Saturday night just to see if it was my make up that I was allergic to. So then I did an internet search to see if mineral make up caused any allergic reactions. And viola! There is was! There were forums about it! How could I have missed this for so long?!?
Most Mineral make up contains Bismuth Oxychloridein. Is Mineral Make Up Causing My Skin To Ich also listed other ingredients that can irritate skin. Not all mineral make up has bismuth oxychlordein so you can find brands that won’t irritate your skin. The Mineral Make Up Blog has some great information about different brands. From everything I have read, Aromaleigh is said to be one of the best. I don’t know for sure because I have not tried it. Aromaleigh does not contain bismuth oxychloridein.
I also read that make up brushes can cause skin irritation. You can wash your brushes using shampoo. I did this yesterday and all of my brushes look like new. I normally do wash them but you do need to do this at least every two weeks. How to wash make up brushes explains the details.
So now I know what has been causing my skin irritation. I’m throwing out all of my mineral make up and starting over. I just bought new mascara a couple weeks ago and I have under eye stuff so what I’ll need is some foundation, blush and an eye shadow set. I’m not going mineral just yet. Instead, I’m opting for Physicians Forumla. It’s supposed to be less hypoallergenic, yet according to this article, Are “Hypoallergenic” Cosmetics Really Better?, you can’t even trust what advertising says about a product, you have to look at the ingredients. I’m just going with the Physicians Forumala make up right now because it is inexpensive and I’ve used it before with no problems. I may eventually venture back into using some mineral make up. I want to try the Aromaleigh at some point. But when you have to throw our all of your make up and start over, it can be pricey.
Note: I’m adding this to my post. I had been using Bella Pierre Mineral makeup and I found out that it does not contain the bizmuth oxychloridein. In fact most of what I found on the web regarding Bella Pierre was positive. It is one of the purest mineral make ups out there. So then I was even more puzzled! I kept searching and found out that there is another ingredient that can cause skin irritation. Carmine. It does contain Carmine. Which I must be allergic to. I am so sad to have to part with my mineral make up, not only is it expensive but I really loved the way it looked. Ever since I stopped using it and started using the Physician’s Formula make up, my face stopped itching and getting hives. So I am pretty sure it was something in the mineral make that was causing it.
* Carmine
In spite of that carmine has been approved by the FDA as safe to use in color cosmetics it is not recommended for people with sensitive skin. Carmine is a dark red pigment made of the crushed shells of cochineal beetles which are dried, ground and added to the cosmetic base. It has been stated that severe allergic reactions can develop.
Mineral make up can help you create radiant, glowing skin. To prevent the development of allergy to mineral make up you need to look through the ingredient list before buying the cosmetics.
My friend, Heike’s two beautiful children participated in this and she posted this on her facebook page. I was very moved by this. Not only because it represents the United Way but because it is home for me. This is where I live and people I know are in it. And it’s a big deal! For me, it is. It truly touched my heart. I’m a softy and tear up easily, so bare with me. =)
On Saturday, June 20th, more than 70 dancers took part in United Way California Capital Region’s Flash Mob at Arden Fair Mall in Sacramento. Dancing in public? That’s how we LIVE UNITED!
If I had known about this earlier I might have been there to see it in person. I have seen little videos popping up all over the place similar to this. Maybe they are doing this in your area and you can look into ways that you can participate. I bet this was an awesome experience for everyone who put this together.
I know about it now, and I am passing the information along this internet highway. Check out their website, see what you can do in your community and keep it going. You can find out more about the United Movement by visiting their website.
Father’s day was uneventful. All of this month I was composing a letter in my mind of what I would like to say to the man who is the other half to my creation, to explain and to rationalize my feelings about this dysfunctional relationship. I do appreciate the few times he has done something nice for me, however, for the most part, I have always been last on his list of priorities. Never good enough, undeserving and a great deal of emotional abuse that I don’t need to remember because this year has been more of a healing year for me to get over much of the damage to my self esteem. I cringe at the memories of mean things he has said. So I don’t want to even go there especially today. I’m here now and HERE is a better place where I feel human again. So instead of writing that letter or wasting my energy trying to make myself heard and understood, (which is impossible) I thought of today as sort of an independence day. My day to stand strong, to be okay with who I am and not to have to worry about whether I made him happy.
My father wasn’t there for me when I was growing up and I romanticized the ideal of having a “dad.” Not a dime of child support was paid when I was a child. When he came back into my life he made so many promises. Promises he never kept because someway, somehow I messed up. I thought, “I must be a bad person.” There isn’t a soul in my life who thinks of me as anything but a loving, caring, sweet person. Out of my need to have a father’s love, I gave him every chance I could and got hurt every time. He is a man who lacks the capacity to love his children and grandchildren unconditionally.
Married three times and a daughter with each wife, we are easily replaced just like his dog, Dixie, who when the first Dixie died, he bought another (same breed and color) and gave it the same name. Like a pet, I jumped through hoops and did all I could to get his attention and affection but it was never enough. I failed miserably and beat myself up for it time and time again. An impossible quest for love. People are what they are. I cannot change him and he cannot change me. I stopped trying to do what couldn’t be done and mourned the loss of the ideal I had built in my mind of what “should” have been. It still breaks my heart from time to time but there are people in my life who need and deserve MY love and attention more and who willingly love me in return and I don’t have to do anything but be who I am.
Divorce does ugly things to families. I was fortunate to have close bonds with my siblings from both my mother and my father. I even had some good step-parents along the way. My mom also was married three times. Both their second marriages were to nice people but both of their third marriages were to people who were extremely jealous of the existing children. Not fun at all. It is no wonder that most of us only had one child when we grew up and my brother is about to have his 6th child with is one and ONLY wife. He’s a great father too! I have 4 half sisters and 1 half brother between both of my parents. I consider them sisters and brother. I leave out the “half” thing because it is just frickin disgusting and embarrassing. Lots of families are blended so it’s not so unusual. Still, kids get screwed out of relationships with a parent because of divorce and there is a great deal of hurt when a parent abandons a child. I can understand how my mom left my dad because he’s an ass but I didn’t think he would be an ass to me too. LOL!
How does one forgive when they cannot forget? I guess I could say I forgive him yet the hurt lingers, then it turns into anger and the process of forgiving has to begin again.
Many people are blessed with loving fathers who deserve a tribute on this special day. I wish I had that kind of relationship and loving support but I don’t. Father’s day for me is like Valentine’s day for single people. LOL! Anyway, nuff said on that subject. I’m sure there are many wonderful dad’s who enjoyed the holiday that was well deserved. Here’s to you loving dads! May you always bring joy, peace and love to your childrens lives no matter how old or young they are with a gentle heart, a warm hug and never ending emotional support.
On a bright note, I did find a book that I really wanted to read. It’s by Diana Gabaldon, “Outlander”.
One of my friends mentioned that she was reading it and then I found Diana Gabaldon’s facebook page through the same friend and saw her books. I love books that have historical details. And wouldn’t you know, I was looking in the free book section at our local VFW where I read and return books all the time and there in front of me was the Outlander. The cover is even my favorite color of deep periwinkle blue. If it were glass it would be cobalt blue. I’m finishing up another book and then I’ll dive into this one. Can’t wait! It’s like the universe gave me a gift. Yay! Thank you God!
I also found the book, “Nights In Rodanth”. I have not seen the movie yet so that was a treat. I can’t wait to read it. I may even read it before I start on Outlander because it’s shorter and I’ll get through it in a couple of days. I want to see the movie and it would be nice to read the book first.
My kitty cat, Buddy. He’s my constant companion, full of mischief and love.
It’s been over a month since my last post. My advertiser is punishing me. LOL!!! Seems I am to be writing at least once a week but I have failed. Blame it on Face book. I’ve been having a great time keeping in touch with friends and taking those silly quizzes. So, I neglected my blog.
I have been sad about father’s day coming up. I lost my father three years ago. He didn’t die. He’s just one of those people who gets angry and says and does things he can’t take back. I’m meaning to write about it but it is very painful and it is difficult to discuss without getting very upset. I wish I could write him a letter but there isn’t really anyway for me to make him understand my feelings when he has discounted me all my life. All I would be accomplishing would be to start the cycle over again and I would end up hurt. By this time, I should have learned the lesson and know that he isn’t the kind of father I needed him to be. Wishing and hoping won’t change anything.
I changed my banner. I’ve spent most of my life trying to be perfect. LOL! I have a several good friends who are always reminding me that I don’t need to be perfect in order to be special and wonderful and loved! I didn’t have any plans for the new banner. It just happened with me playing with my paint shop program and doodling. I like all the blues. My favorite color is cobalt blue. Then as I was adding my blog name I decided to add the blurb on the bottom about embracing imperfection. That’s my new mantra.
Okay, now to get back to watching, “I’m a Celebrety! Get me out of here!
I just read a touching story of a woman in San Francisco who escaped a violent relationship with her three month old infant and two young children. She basically left with the clothes on her back. While she has gone through the “proper” channels, has a social worker and is trying to get shelter and aid for her family, resources are in short supply. She has had to beg in order to pay for the hotel and food for herself and her family.
It takes a great deal of courage to leave an abusive relationship. Especially when still nursing an infant and having nowhere else to go.
I found out about this from my friend who sent me the link via her blog. You can read about K’s story here at tangobaby. I encourage everyone to read K’s story and follow her progress as she pulls herself together, gets a job and regains her life.
What is the difference between happiness and joy? Which one would you rather feel? Which one lasts longer?
No matter how difficult life may be, no matter what trials one is going through, one can still feel joy. Joy is what lasts no matter what the circumstances are. We can still have faith no matter what the circumstances.
Faith and hope give me promise of happiness. It’s existence is there somewhere beyond my grasp. Sometimes it comes close enough for me to catch it and for a short while I have it. I’m happy when I meet with friends. I’m happy when I have enough money to pay my bills. I’m happy when I’m eating ice cream or doing something fun.
Happiness only lasts for a short time.
Joy is what I feel when I look outside and see the squirrel who lives in the tree outside my window, or the birds. I feel joy when I think about my son or my family and friends. Joy feels my heart no matter what circumstance I’m dealing with at the moment. I can see a lovely view and feel joy.
Joy seems easier to obtain, lasts longer and feels greater than happiness.
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control at times and hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -- Marilyn Monroe
If by a "Liberal" they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties — someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal." -- John F. Kennedy
