Father’s Day…meh…
Posted by chrystibella on June 21, 2009
Father’s day was uneventful. All of this month I was composing a letter in my mind of what I would like to say to the man who is the other half to my creation, to explain and to rationalize my feelings about this dysfunctional relationship. I do appreciate the few times he has done something nice for me, however, for the most part, I have always been last on his list of priorities. Never good enough, undeserving and a great deal of emotional abuse that I don’t need to remember because this year has been more of a healing year for me to get over much of the damage to my self esteem. I cringe at the memories of mean things he has said. So I don’t want to even go there especially today. I’m here now and HERE is a better place where I feel human again. So instead of writing that letter or wasting my energy trying to make myself heard and understood, (which is impossible) I thought of today as sort of an independence day. My day to stand strong, to be okay with who I am and not to have to worry about whether I made him happy.
My father wasn’t there for me when I was growing up and I romanticized the ideal of having a “dad.” Not a dime of child support was paid when I was a child. When he came back into my life he made so many promises. Promises he never kept because someway, somehow I messed up. I thought, “I must be a bad person.” There isn’t a soul in my life who thinks of me as anything but a loving, caring, sweet person. Out of my need to have a father’s love, I gave him every chance I could and got hurt every time. He is a man who lacks the capacity to love his children and grandchildren unconditionally.
Married three times and a daughter with each wife, we are easily replaced just like his dog, Dixie, who when the first Dixie died, he bought another (same breed and color) and gave it the same name. Like a pet, I jumped through hoops and did all I could to get his attention and affection but it was never enough. I failed miserably and beat myself up for it time and time again. An impossible quest for love. People are what they are. I cannot change him and he cannot change me. I stopped trying to do what couldn’t be done and mourned the loss of the ideal I had built in my mind of what “should” have been. It still breaks my heart from time to time but there are people in my life who need and deserve MY love and attention more and who willingly love me in return and I don’t have to do anything but be who I am.
Divorce does ugly things to families. I was fortunate to have close bonds with my siblings from both my mother and my father. I even had some good step-parents along the way. My mom also was married three times. Both their second marriages were to nice people but both of their third marriages were to people who were extremely jealous of the existing children. Not fun at all. It is no wonder that most of us only had one child when we grew up and my brother is about to have his 6th child with is one and ONLY wife. He’s a great father too! I have 4 half sisters and 1 half brother between both of my parents. I consider them sisters and brother. I leave out the “half” thing because it is just frickin disgusting and embarrassing. Lots of families are blended so it’s not so unusual. Still, kids get screwed out of relationships with a parent because of divorce and there is a great deal of hurt when a parent abandons a child. I can understand how my mom left my dad because he’s an ass but I didn’t think he would be an ass to me too. LOL!
How does one forgive when they cannot forget? I guess I could say I forgive him yet the hurt lingers, then it turns into anger and the process of forgiving has to begin again.
Many people are blessed with loving fathers who deserve a tribute on this special day. I wish I had that kind of relationship and loving support but I don’t. Father’s day for me is like Valentine’s day for single people. LOL! Anyway, nuff said on that subject. I’m sure there are many wonderful dad’s who enjoyed the holiday that was well deserved. Here’s to you loving dads! May you always bring joy, peace and love to your childrens lives no matter how old or young they are with a gentle heart, a warm hug and never ending emotional support.
On a bright note, I did find a book that I really wanted to read. It’s by Diana Gabaldon, “Outlander”.
One of my friends mentioned that she was reading it and then I found Diana Gabaldon’s facebook page through the same friend and saw her books. I love books that have historical details. And wouldn’t you know, I was looking in the free book section at our local VFW where I read and return books all the time and there in front of me was the Outlander. The cover is even my favorite color of deep periwinkle blue. If it were glass it would be cobalt blue. I’m finishing up another book and then I’ll dive into this one. Can’t wait! It’s like the universe gave me a gift. Yay! Thank you God!
I also found the book, “Nights In Rodanth”. I have not seen the movie yet so that was a treat. I can’t wait to read it. I may even read it before I start on Outlander because it’s shorter and I’ll get through it in a couple of days. I want to see the movie and it would be nice to read the book first.
